Flimsy Sanity: June 2005

Flimsy Sanity

In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Paying Hospital Bills

Met a wonderful lady yesterday with the cutest fifties style house - maybe not by design but just from using things up rather than replacing all the time. She had a small air conditioner that I think will fit in Dad's window. It also has just a fan setting and dad doesn't like air conditioning but it would be nice to have it installed if it gets really hot.

Lorna was telling me about how they had to sell everything to pay the hospital bill when her husband died and how they still hound her - after charging up a big bill when her husband had basically already died. Also how her dog's shoulder was dislocated by the groomer and how the dog suffers now. I think this lady could use a damn good lawyer and sue some bastards.

Oxyclean is the best

I like to buy older tablecloths and lots of times they have these set in stains and I just boil them in oxyclean for about ten minutes and then let them sit in the water until it grows cold. If the stains aren't gone, I heat it up again and give it another boil. Almost always everything comes out. But it does dry the heck out of your hands so if you have gloves, it would be best. Do not use it on things with shiny threads, for some reason you will get a reaction and holes develop.

One time I had the canner filled with oxyclean and I had just bought a kerosene glass lamp shade that was horribly stained. Just to experiment, I put it in the cold water canner and some stains came out. I reheated the water and dumped it back in and it was beautiful. Got $70 for the thing.

Also just cleaned a pottery jar that I had used in the kitchen to hold utensils and it had a few grease spots. Came out great.

I told my sister about it and she runs to Sam's Club and buys me this big tub for my birthday. It popped open enroute and when it got to the post office, they were a little panicked because this box was leaking white powder. I don't know this for a fact, but I like to think so because it gives me a laugh.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Food Combinations

Isn't it funny how some foods just go together. Like I just like sauerkraut and dumplings combined with country sausage and cold pork and beans. Or borscht and mom's homemade bread to dip in it. Or the Norwegians combine lefsa, lutefisk and mashed potatoes and though I laugh that they are all white foods, the combination of tastes is delicious. Like all traditional dishes, the ingredients are mostly simple, it is the preparation that is complex. The Czechoslovakian recipe for pierogies, polish Pierogi, and the Ukranians have pirohi but they are all little dough pockets with a surprise inside. My neighbor brought over tamales she made and they were wonderful and you can hide different ingredients. Mexican food just combines the same basic 6 or so ingedients in many different ways. Chinese food is probably the most adventurous - lots of unusual ingredients sometimes.

When we get older and have too much stuff, food makes the best gifts.

Religion again

When I was in college I was exposed to the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Walt Whitman and Emily Dickinson. I still carry Emerson's selected writings from the 70's and might take it home to read to Dad as he faces his death. They called themselves transcendentalists and were as much in awe of The Great Spirit's work as the Quakers but rather than sit silently, they used their talents to speak of it. Here is a brief description.

Lovely morning

Just the most gentle tapping rain with no wind. Have had dad's bib overalls out on the line for three days now - the neighbors will be talking....think I'll just take them to the laundromat and dry them. Always used to hate going to the laundromat when I didn't have a washer and dryer but it could have been fun if I just visited the other people there.

Went home yesterday to see my mom and dad. Talked to Eleanor Ott, Martha Paasch, Betty Cornell (who I cooked with in Medora) and Mugs Vanvig at coffee. Gave Eleanor a ride home and she is so worried about Mom and thinks I should come home and help. Delbert and Mom think it is unnecessary as mostly it is just a waiting game. Think I might pack up the dogs and try it for a week. Dad is sweet as ever, Mom is as strong and independent as she ever was, but even if I don't do anything but hold dad up so he can eat properly and not choke, I can still be company for mom. Bought the book by Woody Allen called Horse Feathers and can read it aloud there. Dad has this huge scar on his elbow and I just don't remember any surgery he had. Funny, isn't it how much we forget. Might ask Dad if he wants me to write an obit.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Happiness

I read once that on a survey of happiness this is how people rated from most happy to most unhappy.
- Married Men
-Unmarried women
-Unmarried men
-Married women

Tennis and chess

Aren't much fun if you aren't pretty evenly matched in ability.

Atheists and agnostics

Are usually "good for goodness sake." They don't expect any reward but try to do the good and right thing because it contributes to humanity rather than depletes it. Give 'em a break.

Don't fix the Junker theory

Does not apply to the radio. You've got to have tunes when you drive so if you need to buy an aerial or a battery occasionally, that is justifiable expense.

Actually, Mom and Dad have put quite a bit of money into my Junker - a new timing chain and a new transmission. Should have followed my own preaching and they could have saved a bunch. Get too attached to crap. Can't believe I am past middle age and still asking folks for help. Going to switch my dependency to my brother and sister and give mom and dad a break, Ha.

Found this on the net

Free Will

Might be the biggest side splitting joke of the world. That damn smart Shakespeare guy says "all the world's a stage" - we are all just puppets and the gods and saints are writers and directors and we run to the front and bow and curtsy and accept the clapping. What ingrates we are.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Those Norwegians know how to work

When they discovered America they ROWED over here.

Ethnic Jokes

Evelyn and some of the people at the nursing home showed me that all ethnic jokes are insulting and even though the Norwegians "can take a joke" it is only that they are too polite to insult back. Jokes are not really the best kind of humor anyway. Damn few haven't been around the block a thousand times. Some people can tell a good joke but most cannot. My brother Delbert and my friend Dave can tell jokes well. I cannot so why make polite people bored - don't think the residents will waste their precious time being polite to me.

Here's a joke:

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Sunday Hymn

My ditchdigging neighbors

Said they weren't Indian but they had the coloring and the soft spoken voices and although they were very hard workers, I just had the feeling they were Indian. My favorite employers, treated me so nicely and mixed with me after work. The Haiders - great people, you would be lucky to have them as friends.

Being Liked

The Mexicans work so hard, the American Indians don't buy the litany and don't work but neither is liked. How do you win a popularity contest?

When I was a kid

I wanted a Volkswagen Bug because they were usually driven by people I liked. Isn't that dumb, but they were economical and non-imposing.

Seven Laws of Money

Insurance seems nuts

Like gambling against myself. Might have to get some to haul people around at the nursing home. Damn, the price I have to pay, but AARP isn't so bad for rates.

The Sunday Sermon

Dad gave this card to my sister when she and Mom were at such odds about her choice in a husband.

No, I don't think this was the card at all. Is there more than one serenity prayer? Dee do you remember? Was it this one?

Dad was never religious so I wonder if there is another version still - Seems I remember it was much longer.

Music Therapy

I put country on when I'm manic, rock and roll on when I'm down. Have been flat out screaming nuts five times....don't know what kind of music could have helped me there, classical couldn't even stave it off. I told my sister the only therapy I need is aromatherapy, but the truth is I will probably always be on some dulling medication - no matter what music or smells I partake of.

Dorothy gave me this wonderful smelling candle - grape gumdrop. Made a bunch of cucumber melon ones to sell in my baskets, but the wick wasn't right - or maybe it was, they burned really slow.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

No matter how old you are, you should read this book. Profound on so many levels and it is just a children's book written by the most outrageous lyricist of wild rock and roll songs. Bought it for my little sister when her first son was born - couldn't think of a finer gift.

Quote

Nothing Bush does can be challenged on moral grounds, however unethical or evil it might appear, because all of his actions are directed by God. He can twist the truth, oppress the poor, exalt the rich, despoil the earth, ignore the law - and murder children - without the slightest compunction, the briefest moment of doubt or self-reflection, because he believes, he truly believes, that God squats in his brainpan and tells him what to do. - Chris Floyd, CounterPunch 7/30/03 (My highest compliments on the wordchoice "squats in his brainpan" - COOL)

Fixing things

Thanks to the labor of unfortunates all over the world, replacing most items is more economical than repair. Many small business repair people cannot give free estimates because they need to live and if they are honest on other charges, they simply cannot make enough to exist. So our dumps grow usually leaking hazardous material. Perfectly usuable appliances need to be replaced with more attractive, current models. On the homefront, World War II was fought with the slogan: Use it Up, Wear it out, Make it do! Our Labor and our Goods are Fighting. How different from the current war on terrorism that demands we shop more. How can opposite ideas both be true. I'm not an economist.

Another school of thought is to never fix anything. Get an old car for a couple hundred bucks and never put anything into it. Door leaks, adjust. Windows don't open properly, adjust. When the thing finally breaks down, haul it to the scrapyard and get another old car. Read a really funny essay on this once, I think in The Whole Earth Catalog. If I can find it, I will copy it for you. We old hippies still read this Survival Bible.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Family Values written after Columbine

Whenever a mentally ill person commits a crime, editorials spring up encouraging institutionalization of the mentally ill people because of their threat to society's safety. Since my onset of mental illness, I have met many other mentally ill people and without exception they are fearful people who have been hurt and instead of lashing out, have turned their terror and hate against themselves. I trust the mentally ill much more than the general population for all they seek in vain is an apology from their personal bully, but bullies never admit they are wrong-the always say, "you brought it on yourself."

Everyone has an opinion on school violence and no one knows the cure, but no one asks us nuts who were many times the loners. I watched a psychiatrist on Oprah say we must teach boys to cry so they can be better victims - be more like girls who know how to turn pain in on themselves. I listened to a senator talk about the need for more laws against movies and music that glorify violence as the best way to prevent more school horrors like Littleton. I listened to a TV evangelist say the problem is public schools and the lack of Bible based values. Every time we have a disaster, the authorities all say the price of liberty is to give up more of our freedoms. Usually the conservatives ask for more censorship of the Internet, music, books or movies, the liberals ask for more controls on gun ownership, the religious tell us they know the one right way to think, and the psycho authorities tell us that adjusting is just having the right chemical balance, the proper dulling medication that stops thinking.

Everyone says we must fear the loners for herd instinct is natural in humans. The pressure to conform is enormous to teenagers who live in a Lord of the Flies hell. To witness the phenomenon, walk the halls of your high school and tell me you don't find the uniformity spooky. You too will feel like you have entered a cult or a military installation because everyone dresses the same, combs their hair the same and talks in the same cliches. Naturally, any independent thinker, anyone who doesn't dress regulation, anyone who maintains a free identity will be made into an outcast, sentenced by their peers to relentless ridicule. Classmates create a prison without walls and concur, "We have judged you and find you unfit for our society"

I criticize the teachers who tacitly agreed with the cruel majority and let the small, lonely child stand at the edge of the playground day after day and never championed that student as a class lesson on freedom - explained that everyone in a democracy has the RIGHT to be an individual and everyone has the obligation to respect the rights of the minorities. I criticize the teacher who never takes the bullies to counseling. Does that teacher ever try to prevent pain by having her students pick sides out of a hat rather than let the same child face rejection the the playground by always being picked last?

I denounce the parents who contributed to the conformity by buying the overpriced sneakers or shirt with the proper logo and who by their own actions agree with their children that fitting in is everything - that the right street address, the right car, the right job, the most popular church is the same as a personality. The parent who doesn't stop the "gimme" whine by saying, "I want a son/daughter who thinks for herself." The proper parents who would stop a racist joke, but who would allow prejudice against a classmate because you have to go along to get along.

Last, but not least, I regretfully blame the helpless parents of the outcasts who didn't make a sacrifice. Two of my heroes are the mother and father formerly from North Dakota who gave up their good jobs and a nice home and moved to another state rather than let their normal looking son be called "Dumbo" and be harassed about his ears every day by the whole school. The parents - after doing everything possible - appealing to the school board, the newspaper, lawyers, the ACLU - begging every institution sworn to uphold democracy - just moved rather than let their child endure torture. Talk about your "family values."

At the Confluence of the Missouri and the Yellowstone

Is this beautiful interpretive center that you could spend hours in. Plenty to hold your interest no matter what your interests. Went to the gift shop and couldn't resist buying this darling little pottery jar made of scoria (underground burnt coal) and clay made by Sue Davy. Capt. William Clark wrote about collecting earth along the Missouri River, putting it in a furnace and hardening it to a glaze.

Also succumbed to an intricate covered round wood box made up of what looks like at least four different woods. It is rather delicate and strong at the same time and the cover has a star design with a little knob. It was made by Melvin Sorstokke (I could have the name wrong, the fired brand on the bottom fades off). It reminds me of an Indian drum.

Short Story by Tony Dige

I went to County Market on Tuesday to do some grocery shopping. While I was in the check-out line I noticed this woman really staring at me. I asked her if something was wrong and she said, "You look just exactly like my son who was killed in a car accident about three weeks ago."

"Would you please tell me, 'I love you, Mom.'"

Feeling sorry for the poor woman, I said, "I love you, Mom."

When I got to the checkout stand the clerk rang up my purchases and told me the price was $95.85.

I said, "Ninety Five dollars and eighty five cents for some salsa and a bag of corn chips isn't right."

The clerk said, "Well, the woman ahead of you said you were her son and that you would pay for her groceries. I did hear you say 'I love you, Mom' so I assumed she was your mother."

I ran out of the store desperately looking for the woman. I saw her about to get in her car after putting her groceries in the back seat. I ran over and started pulling on her leg just like I am pulling yours.

Check it out before you spread internet rumors.

Bus Driver's Workshop Test

1. In case your bus breaks down in a snowstorm, who do you send for help?
a. The meanest child
b. the oldest child
c. the oldest fattest girl
d. Go yourself George
e. none of the above

2. A bus driver should be
a. Bold and fearless
b. Rough with students
c. Reasonable and fair with definite rules
d. Hard of hearing

3. State law requires bus drives to attend workshops
a. Once a year
b. Once a year
c. Once a year

4. When settind down the rules for behavior on the bus you should
a. Limit the number of rules to what is absolutely necessary
b. Make their little lives miserable
c. Make rules that teach responsibility and respect for each other and especially for you.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Handiest Tool

Watched "Ask This Old House" and they were cleaning the bottom of the mower with putty knives. So much better is a hive tool. It is great for many things - peeling off stubborn wall paper, scraping paint off of woodwork, glaziers use it to scrap the old putty off window frames, I use it often for many things. It is more rigid and narrower than a putty knife so you need less pressure for scraping. Both edges can be sharpened. The cheapest I have found is at Dadant.

Read that Black Women Don't Tip

Suppose their thought is, "You imported us to work for nothing - How does it feel?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Irfanview

Is this great picture program that is free. It is the work of Irfan Skiljan.

Newest 12 Step Group

Have you heard about the latest 12 step group for compulsive talkers?
It's called ... On and On Anon
--Unknown

Quotes on Dogs

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
--Mark Twain

Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches us a lesson in humanity
--Napoleon Bonaparte

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
--Aldous Leonard Huxley British writer

We named the DOG Indiana!
--Henry Jones, Sr. (Sean Connery) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

cave canum.(beware of the dog)
--Unknown

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
--Mark Twain

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
--Anne Tyler

Beware of silent dogs and still waters.
--Portuguese Proverb

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
--Unknown

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
--Patrick age 10 Advice from Kids

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
--Dave Barry

Artists like cats, soldiers like dogs.
--Desmond Morris

Its easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it.
--P. J. O'Rourke

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
--Sir Winston Churchill

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
--Jeff Valdez

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
--Mary Bly

When the need arises - and it does - you must be able to shoot your own dog.
--Robert A. Heinlein

A dog has the soul of a philosopher.
--Plato

To a dog the whole world is a smell
--Unknown

Dogs wait for us faithfully
--Marcus Tullius Cicero

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
--John Osborne

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The thing about rummage sales

Is that you set a price of what it is worth to you and then people pick through it and give it a "last right" to exist before its trip to the dump.

Rummage gets it's chance to reach glory status on eBay, where all you need is two people to lust after it. If they pay a lot for it, they will cherish it...for awhile. Problem is that stuff is new for just a short while and then it is just more of the general clutter. George Carlin on Stuff

Monday, June 20, 2005

Equal Rights

Isn't a competitive thing. All living beings should have equal rights. Equal opportunities will probably never happen nor will equal abilities but something like "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" should belong to everyone. No one says men and women work or play the same, just that one method may be appropriate one time another method another time. Sometimes we compete, sometimes we cooperate. Sometimes we play in the band, sometimes we solo.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Rah, Rah,

Etiquette for Sparrows

When you are hitchhiking, always be walking. This shows ambition and even though everyone knows that you will probably not walk to your destination, at least it shows you are trying. DO NOT do like one boy in Taylor did. He would stick out his thumb and if he didn't get the ride, he would just flip off the driver. It was a fluid motion and would make you laugh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Native Americans

Got saddled with the name Indian cause some stupid seaman was so lost he thought he was in India for godsakes. They had no say on how this country was formed so calling them Americans seems stupid. Native seems o.k. but savage has some punch. Defination is "not domesticated or cultivated; wild."

Why don't the natives decide themselves what they want to be called? If the squaws get a vote, I like savage.

Lawyer joke

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one
man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come
along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir I have a wife and two
children!" "Bring them along! replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a
wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the limo, which was no easy task considering how
many passengers were now in the car. Once underway, one of
the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my house is almost a foot
tall."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Gambling is Fun

I thought I never got bored, but I am wrong. Gambling at casino's, bores me. I enjoy going to Deadwood because I like to see how they decorate and the Hills are Magical to me but gambling is a snooze. It is like guessing on a true/false test rather than really knowing the answers. I went one time with a roll of quarters and just put them in a machine, didn't even look to see if I won I was so eager to get rid of the quarters and be done with it.

The gambling that is fun is when you gamble your life. Borrowing against your house to start a business, staying up nights to invent some dodad, playing the stock market, dangerous sports, trying some new variety of seed, beekeeping, motorcycles, hunting especially bow, fishing, living off the land are all incredibly fun. When your decisions affect whether you eat it gets your adrenalin rushing and your daily life achieves an intensity it will never have working for someone. It's the difference between a wild and tame horse or living in a zoo or the jungle.

Farming Ain't So Bad

From The Great Gig in the Sky:
This is when I remembered how terrible primary school actually was. It was a cavern of insults, making each other feel bad. It was the beggining of social identity. Pushing others out of the way so you can be at the top with the popular kids. Critisizing and judging openly and freely. As a kid you don't care about other peoples feelings, you don't care if they cry, you just laugh at them and then run away so a teacher doesn't come after you.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Makes you laugh

Whoever heard of requiring insurance for bubblewrap?

Agatha and Harriet

Agatha is like me - nervous and a busybody. She is always at the window checking out the alley. When I am outside, she shows off for me and runs around the garden and shed so fast it is spectacular. She was the cutest little puppy, crawled right up my chest so she could commence licking. Sometimes she gets a little too enthusiastic and gets that little tongue up my nose which is rather unpleasant/fun at the same time. She has many habits that seem stupid to me but she always does the same things. Runs out the patio door, turns around and defies Harriet to come out and then barks at her when she does. It is dumb but they do it every day. Sometimes they play but mostly they seem to mind their own business or follow each other around.

Harriet loves to play. I wish there was a kid in the neighborhood to play with her, she does the funniest things. She is not as pretty as Agatha, but she grows on you. Her feet are big, her body is too long in proportion to the height, she has a little red thing in her eye that the vet said was best to leave alone, but her hair is easy to cut. I think she is a wetter.

The Only Reason I Would Like to Cook

Is so that I could treat people once in awhile to a good meal. I wouldn't like cooking for someone every day - drudgery - and I wouldn't expect someone to do it for me. Course I could always throw in an extra TV dinner. When I was teaching in Garrison I invited these really nice people that came to speak about drugs but noticed oppression and turned the students on. I liked them and asked them for dinner and served them TV dinners - I wonder what they thought. Habits don't change easily, still eat the same.

If you need to party hearty

Watch the Mexicans. Festivals are so damn much fun, and they have lots of them. I really enjoyed my experience in Mexico and Central America except for a minor thing -the spitting is probably unsanitary but I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm bringing a spitoon - two if I find where I put one.

Advise Me

Advice is like snow — the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Confession

When I was looking through the rummage that is for sale at the Lambert Museum there were two rotary dial phones there - one for $1.00 and one for $5.00 so I tore the label off the $5.00 and acted innocent. Turns out they are plentiful so I committed fraud for nothing. Cost me in the long run because I felt guilty and sent $15.

Etiquette for Sparrows

When someone is retelling you a story and wasting your precious time, politely tell them it is a good story but you've already heard it - praise it even if it was boring as hell the first time also.

Top Ten

Top Ten Times in History...when using the.."F" word was appropriate.



10) "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima



9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer



8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein



7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso



6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras



5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo



4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc



3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah



2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK



1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton

Squaw

This is actually a derogatory, low mean term. I think I read somewhere that it means "Cunt". These women are the backbone of the Indian nation - keeping fragments of broken families together - grandmas who should be playing cards are raising babies but the Indians know family is everything. The POWERMAN is so fucking mean it makes me want to cry and scream but I don't - I just shut up instead of shouting or just make a weak defense- for bucking the crowd just loses you friends. When I go screaming nuts I call myself FUCKIT IN A BUCKET because I have to go down that same well over and over and pull up the same shit each time. The POWERMAN hates freedom and the Indians won't be tamed and will not serve. We should probably all take a lesson from them. I'd like to show them how lazy I could be...oh shit oh dear I probably have.

When I was in college at Dickinson State College our emblem used to be the Dickinson Savages and we would have a homecoming ceremony that was respectful (though maybe the Indians would have felt differently). When my friend Linda Sveet was Homecoming Queen she chose me as a princess and I danced on stage. It was easy because it was just shuffling your feet. I felt good in public and I liked the dress - it didn't feel uncomfortable.

It Don't Make No Sense

It don't make no sense why common sense don't make no sense no more - John Prine

Excellent Song by Excellent Music Man

Trouble Will Find You

Trouble Will Find You
(Steve Goodman)

cho: Don't go lookin' for trouble, trouble will find you.
Trouble will find you, trouble will find you.
Don't go lookin' for trouble, trouble will find you.
Sure don't have to look too hard.


First time you take a drink you want to spit and sputter
Shiver and shudder, mumble and mutter.
But the next one tastes so sweet it makes you want another.
Now you drinkin' all the time.


First time you shade the truth you want to run and hide.
Your tongue gets tied, your throat gets dry.
Start thinkin' maybe no one knows you lied.
Now you're shady all the time.

(repeat chorus)

Bridge:
Trouble will pin a tail on you.
Follow you around.
Catch you when your number's up.
And your guard is down.

3rd verse:
First time you fall in love, the skies are sunny.
She calls you honey, your jokes are funny.
She reminds you she was only in it for the money.
Now you're drinkin' all the time.

Don't go lookin' for trouble, trouble will find you.
Trouble will find you, deaf, dumb and blind you.
Don't go lookin' for trouble, trouble will find you.
Sure don't have to look too far...
...trouble in your own backyard.

Copyright Steve Goodman
MX
OCT98

Sunday, June 12, 2005

One of the Nicest Jobs was Digging Ditches

My neighbors are a soft-spoken polite father and son team that are gentlemen in every sense of the word. They talked so quietly that if they ever reprimanded me, I never heard it. Gave me the easy job of walking behind the reel and digging a hole to pull up the cable whenever we would stop. Their nephew had the hard job of digging a hole over the existing cable, but I only had to dig where the plow had already gone through and loosened the soil. The nephew (how come I can't remember his name when I enjoyed his company so much) dug these perfect little holes and removed the minimum of dirt - I don't know how he did it. I liked this job very much and we had some very good laughs but I don't look good in a hardhat.

Great quotes on this site

Comedians quotes Check out this whole site. Thanks Crow I think.

My Class Was Such a Bunch of Brats

We never had a junior or senior class play. No one would volunteer to supervise us.

Gave a Ride Once

To this really nice man whose job was being a sign. He would demonstrate sawing wood on the curb for some business. Said he didn't mind it....it is all attitude, I guess. Please don't make me cook again.

Farming Ain't So Bad

from my friend Linda in Brooklyn:

Everyone reads on the subways, it is otherwise boring just sitting there staring but trying not to stare at strangers for what can become a half an hour. It also keeps you out of trouble, when you're not looking around, others don't focus on you either and if there are any nutters aboard, they usually go elsewhere to bother someone who is not occupied.

Agatha

Agatha, my other dog, was named that because I thought she was kind of a witch - always so nervous. But she is a lady - won't even lick plates, acts nervous when she wants to go out, gives kisses when I ask unlike Harriet who doesn't give a sign she needs to toilet and kisses only when she is in the mood. (Or if she does, I am usually too distracted to notice.) I got Harriet so Agatha wouldn't be lonely - dogs like to run in packs. Lots of people let their dogs run free, but I would be too worried that some big mean dog would hurt them to do that so I put up a fence - a huge tall one like I had cows. But it needs to be braced at the corners and stretched. One side has to be moved because it is over the neighbor's property line. (He said the trees were on my property so I just went with that rather than get a survey.) It looks like shit because it is loose and wavy, but it holds in two little dogs.

This was dumb

I once chased a robin off that was pulling a worm out of my flowerbed in Glendive. Bet I was a god to that worm.

Sunday's Homily

How to Win Arguments, As It Were
by Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."


NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."


Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:


You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:


You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.

OR

You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."


So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.

Sunday's Sermon

Grandpa's Changes

by Brent Olson



Our family got together this weekend and during the course of the day,
my grandfather, my mother's father, was brought into the conversation. He's been dead now for almost thirty years, which is plenty of time for the world to change.

He was a fine man and a good grandpa, and like all good grandpas, he had
some fairly clear opinions about what made sense and what didn't.

One of my cousins mused out loud that he had often wondered how Grandpa
would react to some of the things that we take for granted. The example that he said always popped into his mind was the way we pay a buck a bottle for water. He had a vague feeling that Grandpa wouldn't approve.

After further discussion, I decided there are a lot of things I wouldn't
want to try to explain to Grandpa. The way people drive five miles to a health club to walk on a treadmill would be tough. I hope he'd be able to laugh about that, but it's not a sure thing. I doubt that throughout his whole lifetime he ever exercised just for the sake of exercising, let alone drove to a fancy club, put on skintight clothes and walked on a treadmill while watching TV. I think the whole exercise industry would be a little hard to explain. Look at bicycles.


I'm sure that tight, funny-length shorts, helmets that look like somebody melted a milk jug on your head and bicycles that make you ride bent over with your butt up in the air are very ergonomically sound, but on the whole, it looks pretty idiotic. The very thought of the look in Grandpa's eyes when he first saw Spandex makes my skin crawl a little.

Body piercing. Now that would be a tough one to explain. Especially the
kind of odd ones, like studs through the tongue (or less obvious places). Grandpa himself had any number of piercings, but they were all done by a variety of farm equipment, none on purpose, and well earned over the course of an active life.

Grandpa farmed most of his life on a fairly rocky piece of ground. Rock
piles still remain that were placed there mostly by his hands. Last week we saw an ad that listed rocks for sale. You can buy rocks, for landscaping I suppose, in sizes that range from hand-held up to the big boulders that would have required a team of horses to get them off the field. A cousin who lives in New Orleans paid $.59 a pound for the rocks he put in his yard. Grandpa would
get a big kick out of paying good money for rocks to pile up in the yard
next to the house.

Most of the family members who were participating in this discussion
consider themselves to be gardeners. Gardening is a popular activity in America, and there's quite a bit of farming blood moving through the veins of the people in my family, so it makes sense that it's probably even more prevalent among us. Grandpa came into the discussion again when the fact was brought up that you can buy dirt in fifty pound bags for $2.39. I know it makes sense. I mean, if you live in the city and want a potted tomato on your balcony, the dirt to put
it in has to come from somewhere, but you've got to admit, times have
changed.

I've decided that I wouldn't even mention the bags of cow manure for
four bucks.

A Mystery

Sometimes you wonder why couples get together. Sometimes the nicest guys end up with the witches of the world and sometimes the sweetest girls marry these brutal bastards. I just think love is simple insanity. Maybe the old days when the parents picked out the partners made more sense, they aren't blinded by irrational passion. You can grow to love a decent person, you can only serve a dictator.

Mass Produced

Why are mass produced things higher priced than homemade. It breaks the law of supply and demand - the simplest economics.

Credit

I think we should give credit more, exalt the good. Why aren't some of the song writers names as familiar to us as the stars. Of course some of the most talented write and sing their own songs, but what was the fascination with Elvis, he didn't write his songs. O.K. he had style appeal in his youth, but then his style went to hell - it is all the advertising rather than the true value. It's the cook/waitress thing.

My mom says she always reads the credits after a movie looking for our surname to see if a relative did anything. Lots of times they print them so small and they roll so fast you don't have a clue. I lift my glass to all the unsung people who keep the water running, the lights on, the car functioning, the buildings constructed, the crops picked, the mail delivered, the meat butchered, the sick tended, the children inspired by an example of determination....to absolutely everyone who does good work and goes to the asshole jobs so their kids can have a better life. By the way, what is a "grip"?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

My resume

I'm too young to be retired. If I live to 80 or more, that means I will be unproductive for 25 years or so. That is a big drain on the pool that is social security and a waste of my life. I want to work, but I'd prefer work (I don't use the word job for labor) where I am contributing to something good rather than just the prosperity of the owner. I have good ideas but do not generally execute them properly if at all. I work best under a good manager that does not have power problems and will listen to other people's ideas. I like children, especially teenagers as I find them exciting, enthusiastic and idealistic. I love books, words, learning and bookstores/libraries but not school so much as it is now. I think just about everything is interesting and tedious tasks do not bore me. I am disorganized, impulsive and a push-over so I prefer working with people who are steadfast and not so soft-hearted to make up for my deficits. It's a small thing, but I don't like dressing up. Money is absolutely no object of concern to me - so minimum wage is acceptable as is adequate handouts or tips.
If you hear of anything, let me know.

Epigram

From today's Word "epigram" . Ever the master of insightful epigram, Oscar Wilde once observed: "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."

I'm Glad I'm Not on the Jury of the Jackson case

It must be hard. People target celebrities for lawsuits and maybe he genuinely likes little kids and wants them to have fun. Must be plenty to it for the trial to take so long. People sometimes lie even under oath but child abuse is a terrible thing. Quite the quandary.

Why Dogs Dont Play Poker

Martha ain't the only one who should wear a ankle ornament

Documents Show Bush Violated SEC Insider Trading Law Four Times, Not Once. His Lawyer Ran The SEC Investigation On Late Harken Report And His Father's Gave The SEC Clearance Of Wrongdoing During Bush Presidency.
According to U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission records, on four separate occasions Gov. George W. Bush disregarded federal statutes by failing to file insider stock trade reports on a timely basis, back-dating one trade by some four months. Moreover, one key trade just a few weeks before Iraq invaded Kuwait -- but reported some eight months late after the Gulf War was over -- netted Bush close to $1 million in profit as he sold stock in Harken Energy, an oil company doing business in the Middle East wherein some of his father's largest contributors also maintained substantial positions.

The SEC under President Bush carried out an incomplete investigation of the younger Bush's pre-Gulf War trade in 1991 after key presidential advisor George Jr. claimed that he filed a report, but that the SEC had most likely lost it. (No one has really asked whether the governor bothered to use registered mail to verify receipt of the documents.)

According to an Oct. 28, 1991, Time Magazine report, SEC spokesman John Heine said, "as far as I know, nobody ever found the 'lost' filing." And, strangely, Bush refused comment to Time regarding either the incident or his involvement with Harken.

The governor also did not reveal the blatant conflicts of interest involved, since the chairman of the SEC was Richard Breedon, former lawyer with Houston firm Baker and Botts and deputy counsel to Bush's father when he was vice president. Breedon received his SEC appointment after the elder Bush became president.

The SEC investigation of George W. was led by general counsel James R. Doty who, according to a UPI report, mysteriously neglected to interview any of the Harken directors. Moreover, Doty had previously served as George W. Bush's personal lawyer in the deal involving his Texas Rangers purchase. So, in the end, the younger Bush was cleared of insider trade wrongdoing by his personal attorney and by his father's vice-presidential counsel, a virtual impossibility for the average U.S. citizen....

Most reports involving Bush's insider oil stock trades refer only to his highly controversial June 22, 1990, million dollar trade made six weeks before Gulf War hostilities broke out in Kuwait -- a trade which was reported eight months later. However, SEC documents between 1986 and 1993 show that Bush acquired 212,152 shares of Harken stock on Nov. 1, 1986, at the time he merged his Spectrum 7 company with Harken. But the future governor did not report the transaction until April 7, 1987 -- more than five months later.

When Bush filed late on April 7,1987, SEC filings show he had purchased another 80,000 shares on March 10, 1987. But strangely, two weeks later, an April 22 filing noted that the 80,000-share purchase was backdated to Dec. 10, 1986. When questioned by the media, Bush's attorney said it was the same 80,000 shares but he could not explain the discrepancy regarding the purchase dates or why Bush even reported the trade two times.

Another SEC filing, this from June 6, 1989, showed that Bush purchased another 25,000 shares of Harken but again waited more than four months to report the transaction.

The Houston Post, recognizing Bush's late SEC filings, noted that he "took eight months to notify the government of his sale of stock in a company on whose board he served" and "also missed the filing deadline for reporting other insider trades involving Harken Energy."

Documents obtained by the Post showed "additional instances in which Bush ... ran afoul of the SEC rule requiring notification." And George W. described himself as a "small, insignificant" Harken stockholder; but news reports examining SEC documents identified Bush as the third largest non-institutional investor.

--Tom Flocco, WND, 02.18.00

Redneck Engineering Exam

Author Unknown - Come Claim your Work

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford
Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is
470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average
tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it
take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the
ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch
rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a
hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5
children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on
the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads,
what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that
has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A
gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5%
per generation, how long will it take a town that has been
bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western
singer?

Annie Lamott muses about the library

I am going to walk to the library. It's so beautiful out. The hills of my town are lush and green and dotted with wildflowers. The poppies have bloomed, and 5 o'clock is no longer the end of the world. I am going to check out books by P.G. Wodehouse, some Goon Show scripts and a collection of Mary Oliver poems. Libraries actually make me think lovingly of my mother. I am not sure if this will lead me directly to the two tablespoons of forgiveness, but you never know. You take the action, and then the insight follows. It was my mother who taught me how to wander through the racks, and wander through a book, letting them take me where they would. She and my father took me to the library every week when I was little. One of her best friends was the librarian. They both taught me that if you insist on having a destination when you come into a library, you're shortchanging yourself. They read to live, the way they also went to the beach, or ate delicious food. Reading was like breathing fresh ocean air, or eating tomatoes from old man Grbac's garden. My parents, and librarians along the way, taught me about the space between words; about the margins, where so many juicy moments of life and spirit and friendship could be found. In a library, you could find miracles and truth and you might find something that would make you laugh so hard that you get shushed, in the friendliest way. There was sanctuary in a library, there is sanctuary now, from the war, from the storms of our family and our own anxious minds. Libraries are like the mountain, or the meadows behind the goat lady's house: sacred space. So this afternoon, I'll walk to the library. And I'm going to give them 50 bucks, too, in the name of peace, because their budget will be severely cut back in the name of war.

Child Abuse

I can forgive just about any human action cause god knows I've done them or thought about them. But I have never knowingly hurt a child and I will lose respect for anyone who does not take care of their children's creature comforts before they indulge themselves. But that is just me.

Correction: I've even done that. Once a waitress in Shelby Montana gave her baby whiskey so it would sleep more and I didn't report her to someone.

Personal Prom

My sister and her husband were wedding (and senior pictures) photographers for many years. My sister calls weddings "Personal Proms" and I love the term. As much work as putting on a prom with just one star. Always seemed rather a silly, expensive institution to me. I'd go with the bring a dish, bring a bottle, exchange gifts with each other and pass the hat for the band school-of-thought. For costumes I'd want your work clothes. Everyone looks natural in them and then you wouldn't have to open the conversations with "What do you do for a living?". Kids can dress in playclothes or what they think they would like to be.

I've had a wonderful waiter

In South Carolina I was apologizing for my appetite to the waiter and he said, "Don't worry about it, they don't bury you by the pound."

Friends

I like men and women equally as friends. Sometimes women don't like me and I'll be damned if I know why.

Some stars are Flamingos

Can you imagine standing around being pink. Course they flock together too so it wouldn't be so bad.

I'm so Indecisive

I think it should be Etiquette for Sparrows because we were imported (not indigenous) and this really isn't our land and we are so common and we stick together.

No apologies

I won't apologize for things I did and I expect the same from you. I forgive everyone who hurt me and ask the same from everyone I hurt. Etiquette for Plain People

I'm so Happy

To see my neighbor got another dog. He likes basset hounds. My sister doesn't like them cause they shit such big piles for dogs their size. Tony was so sad when Duke died, I'm glad he decided to get another dog. My dogs bark like nuts at his dog, but I should teach them a little etiquette and then maybe Tony wouldn't have to throw rocks. Tony is a "friend to man" and will sit on his stoop and wave to people passing by. You gotta love a small town.

Sixth Grade Strike

I think it was Dennis Dietz, Tommy Kordonowy and Leslie Filkowski and maybe Brian Gerbig and Wally Owens (I'm naming names now) that dreamed up the idea of not answering our teacher's questions because she always kept us in for recess because she was such a rambler and was behind on her work. To facilitate our strike, they had me pass the word. Believe it or not, everyone went along. We wouldn't even tell her the capitol of North Dakota. Course when she pulled individuals aside, they caved and my name came up. Well I didn't like her and already had lots of D's in Conduct and Effort, although she couldn't give me bad marks in classwork because I did alright. She said I was going to get an F in conduct. I went to her crying because I knew I would get hell at home. My brother saw me crying and went home and told mom. Mom went to school and stuck up for me that time. Thanks.

The boys just had to copy the poem "Boy Wanted" and I had to copy many pages out of the encyclopedia - I think I picked Lincoln and found out he hunted Indians, but my memory isn't perfect. If she had really wanted to punish me, she would have made me chew my food 20 times before swallowing.

Indians are so ethical

They ignore us rather than kill us....and drink their pain.

I'm not giving up hope

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea; 10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


Emily Dickinson

Garden Follies

The Ruth Stout method is not turning out so good. It might kill weeds, but it encourages trees. My garden plants, the few that came up, are puny and peaked while the neighbors are almost a miracle in size and robustness. But I might just make lemonade out of this yet. All I have to do is kick the leaves aside and right on top of the dirt are these fat juicy worms. I know it isn't considered feminine to pick worms, but I see a bonanza here. Besides maybe I could lure a fisherman with them.

Some People

Some people would rather die than give up a tradition....and take everyone with them. But I can either cry or laugh, neither will make much difference in the scheme of things. I think that is why there are so many Jewish comedians.

Don't you think one of the funniest movies ever is Matilda by Danny Deveto. I got to laughing so hard last night my side hurt. Probably the reason Mathilda succeeded was because of not despite childhood neglect. Benign neglect is probably the philosophy I would prescribe if I were queen of the world. Leave each other alone and let each develop in their own way.

When I was on the long plane ride to Hawaii, I sat next to this nice man who was a fish buyer/seller thoughout the world. I asked him if he discovered any universal truth between all the cultures he dealt with. He didn't consider my question very long. He said, "all people want a better life for their children and all people want to be left alone." From a stranger's lips to your ears - this seems the most truthful statement I have ever heard. Nice man, let me sprawl out over several seats and sleep. Thanks.

Self Discipline

When I saw a notice in the paper about starting a skate board park my first inclination was to think it would be like the tennis courts - just a fad that burns itself out. Well it may be, but learning to skateboard and do tricks is a powerful lesson on self discipline and persistence and practice. What the hell, its only money. Why not? It might last, bicycles did. With I-Pods, what would the neighbors have to bitch about. We don't complain now when kids crank up their radios and play basketball.

I haven't polled the neighbors but I would like it right across from my house - I would like watching them and people waiting at the stopsign could see too. While we are putting things up across from my house, the basketball hoops at the Pella Church are a nice gift to the community, but the boys and girls would use them more if they were regulation size. Anyone needing to use the toilet could come to my house.

Smells

I like the smell of rain and of clothes fresh off the clothesline. Where does that smell come from? The clothes out of the washer don't smell like that and the air doesn't smell like that either. A mystery without any clue.

Sending Stuff Back to the Kitchen

Sometimes you get stuff that isn't quite up to snuff at cafes and restaurants. So what, it will only be a moment on your lips and you will survive. You've probably eaten worse crap at home. I was having lunch with my aunt in Bismarck one time and the man behind us ordered seconds on instant mashed potatoes. I asked, "how can you eat that stuff?" and he replied, "It all makes a turd." Gave me a new perspective.

If you feel you didn't get your money's worth, stiff the waitress. They take the credit, let them shoulder a little blame.

Dining Review

I eat a lot of TV dinners. I kind of stick to Banquet because I can get them for a buck apiece. The rice and eggroll one would be good if it wasn't so salty, the chicken and noodles one is really good, chicken is passable if a little greasy and now they have one that is like the very last thing you eat when you are cleaning the fridge out after Thanksgiving - kind of a dressing type concoction. Save your money on that one - Ramen noodles are a better buy.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Joke

You know why Norwegians get so tall? Cause they stay green so long. Course it's not easy being green according to Kermit. http://www.disgalaxy.addr.com/Muppets/kermit.htm

Perverted humor

I think God, or Great Spirit or WHOEVER has a sick sense of humor. People wish for fame, but the fame that has been foisted upon me is not the most sought after. I am famous at the Nacogdoches Emergency Room. I had a boil on my ass that was so huge and so painful I finally went to the emergency room. Now who in the hell goes to the emergency room in the middle of the night for a boil? Well the doctor must have thought I was exaggerating because he let in some gun shot victims and car accidents that came later in ahead of me, but when he finally got a look at it, he called the cops over to see it. Shit, you see gunshots every day, but this was huge!!!

Check out this

http://www.deadtroll.com/

Had a bunch of their stuff on my old computer that crashed. Canadian comedy. Love the one about the piggy that escaped. I'm not sure how to download music, but I did it before from Napster (and with a slow connection so I got lots of half-songs) - I have a lot of LP's to listen to.

Lure

Got two big lures and I will throw in a dado blade. Speaking of lure, one time I found some quart jars and thought I would empty them and clean em up to give to mom. Opened them and they were trapper's lure. I defy anyone to name anything stinkier. Contest anyone?

This isn't just any old saw

When I ordered a new saw from Sears, dad wanted it so I took his old one. This is the saw that made the girls china cabinets and the boys gun cabinets (though none like to hunt). This saw made child sized cabinets for my brother's girls. Dad made my clock and my table and some larger clocks for people who didn't want to be so portable. He built many things, but the wood wasn't properly cured and many of them have cracks.
I used it to build mating units, feeders that were intricate but didn't work because they had to be perfectly level, two sets of covers (the southern pine ones held in moisture, the cedar ones were great), two sets of hive bottoms - one for my idea, one for when dad bought the forklift and I redid everything(I bet the other beekeepers thought "why the hell does she need a forklift for 300 hives"), screen box covers and bottoms and two sets of pallets (one so the frames wouldn't rock during trucking, but they were hard to work). Seems I do everything several times before I get it close to right.
But now it is in my way and I want you to have it. I need the room for more mess.

I like work

Its jobs I hate.

If I ever finished anything

That would reduce the clutter.

Robocut

I should tip the robocut guy who made and markets his invention by himself and fixed mine (I think I should have oiled it) for nothing. Thanks

Thursday, June 09, 2005

A Souvenir I Lost

Kid's Lemonade Stands are irresistible. One time in Glendive, a little girl gave me a receipt for my quarter. I misplaced it.

Sally was a Good Old Girl Revision

I think the line should read "Wound up married to a hundredaire" or better yet we could live off my social security provided I didn't keep the checkbook and give it all away when I go bonkers. I would like a "kept man" so I wouldn't have to be quite so deeply in debt. Poor and content is rich and rich enough - Bill Shakespeare

Just stuff my pockets with cash for rummage sales and tips.

I should tip LeAnn

at the frame shop for the nice job she always did and for the cheap mats. Thanks.

My Complexion

I think the reason my complexion is so poor is because I don't chew my food. I just chomp it into small enough pieces so that I don't choke and that's that. My food doesn't digest properly and so toxins form and they have to get out somehow. If I had to count how many chews I took, I would probably be finally bored - probably get tired of eating before I was full. I should try it but I'm not making any promises.

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Book Exchange and Gambling Den

I thought what would be fun would be to have a community used book store. Some books sell really well on Amazon. Homeless people, handicapped, abused whoever is struggling could mine through the books looking for ones that might have some value and sell them and keep the money (kind of like winning the sweepstakes). Everyone mining would have to take turns to be fair and do a little work to keep the store going. Whenever we go traveling we could take a suitcase of cheap books (make that porter earn his tip) and go to book exchanges and swap them out for ones that might have some value. I can tell you what is more likely to be sought if you don't think this idea is crazy. People who like to read could exchange books one for one, or even we could give them two for one(strangers might think that insane). Low value on Amazon doesn't mean it isn't a good book, on the contrary, better books are sometimes more plentiful. We could be like a bunch of bees visiting other towns for honey and it would all be free except for the rent. Course organizing it would take a good task manager - make that task master (cool).

If something really hot comes in, we can try it on eBay. I'll be happy to do that for the store - no charge.

Forget Hedricks in Williston - I've been there and someone has/is probably already mined it.

Another Good Time

I think one of my happiest times was when I helped (or hindered) Terry Hendrick (or it could have been Hendricks) with his Art of (or for) the Handicapped Festival. It was so much fun, not just sucking the helium, but the general elation that went on. Fine party after also. Thanks.

Terry and I shared the same style in clothes - disheveled. People pick things out for me to wear and I sometimes say "That's Not My Style" - like messy is a style statement.

A Nice Day

One time I was with a couple guys and they were having the best time spearing spawning carp. Try cooking that into a tasty dish.

I think I was scared of the water so I didn't play. Half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown -John Prine

Exaggeration

I've been told I have a problem with exaggeration and I will admit I gave people some characteristics they didn't have because I was mad they invaded my privacy. I would tell the whole simple truth if I knew what it was. Of course, you can get by with this if you write fiction or I'm too lazy to try and fix it.

Good Deal

I ordered a book from Orielis Books at Chapel Hill NC and they not only sent it quickly, the put it in a sturdy box and sent peanuts and bubble wrap which I can always use. Thank you for your generosity. Looked closer and found the bookmark. You are too much. I'm scared to ask what you would do with a hardback.

Psychic Break

I slept so little last night - in fact the last two nights, that I am worried I will have a psychotic attack. I hate/love them, I usually make such a fool of myself thanking people and give all my money away and then have to face the music when reality sets in. "Face the Music" is a strange phrase, what does it mean?

A Role Model

As you may have surmised, I've not stayed put very long, so I have met many people. If I could give the name of one person I think is the best person I ever met it would be Ann Eichinger of Pierre South Dakota. Ann managed the film library when I worked at the South Dakota State Library and she was the apex of management. She managed the task rather than people and sought the easiest most efficient way to do things so that the boring parts were minimized as much as possible. People aren't stupid and the people who worked for her loved her. When they were in the office it was because they were getting free counseling for their personal lives not condemnation for some crap at work. Ann was scrupulously honest, wouldn't accept gifts from film companies hoping to sell their wares and worked weekends reviewing films so she wouldn't waste money on something without value. She was generous - gave all her tax refund money to charity - felt she could live without it. Incredibly intelligent (has three copies of "One Hundred Years of Solitude")she lives frugally and inconspicuously in a tiny apartment packed with books. She is the most unappreciated woman I know.

Monday, June 06, 2005

A Regret

One thing I am rather ashamed of is my timidity. This really nice man with very little (I think) used to bring his father from the nursing home every Sunday and split a piece of pie with him. Anyway, one day he mentioned that it was his father's birthday. The waitresses didn't like them because they didn't tip but I asked one of the nicer waitresses to go get a candle to put on the pie but she wouldn't. Why in the hell didn't I get up, get the goddamn candle, stick it in the goddamn pie and light the son of a bitch.

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Intelligence Attracts Me

Sometimes I've made mistakes in love because I thought anyone intelligent couldn't help but be good at heart.

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Tipping Cont.

I never could understand why rich people can get up to $10,000 a year as a gift tax free, but people who get tips cannot get the first $10,000 free. Is the fact that the gift came from many instead of one that makes the difference? Or is it different rules for rich and poor?

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A Couple quotes

Replacing the values of right and wrong are the concepts of legal and illegal as if that’s the beginning and end of what dictates behavior. Charles Osgood


You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. George W. Bush

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Cooking

I am a terrible cook. Occasionally something will turn out, but it is rare. I remember one time I had my cousin Brian over for Thanksgiving dinner and everything was horrible. The turkey was dry and tasteless, the coleslaw was horrible, the scalloped potatoes were underdone, etc. etc. For dessert, I made pecan tassies and they were good. My cousin says, "These are good, you must have bought them." I punished him for his insolence by sending food home with him.

So it is really ironic that cooking has saved me. I fry cooked my way through college, I got a job cooking at the Shelby Truck Stop when I was completely broke (well, I had $16, no gas and a dead battery when I stopped - went to work that same day), I got a job here in Montana when I was destitute again. I really hate fry cooking. If Studs Terkel ever rewrites Working, I would like to contribute this:
Cooking is dirty, greasy and sweaty. Anyone with a stove at home knows how dirty it gets, so just imagine that 1000 times worse. The grills can raise the temperature in the kitchen to well over 100 degrees in the summer, and though the public area is clean and air conditioned, the actual work area is hot and miserable. You are always covered in grease splatter burns and cuts from hurrying to slice things. When orders come in, you have to assess them quickly and throw the things that take the longest on while keeping in your head the relative times of the other meals on that ticket. Anyone who cooks one ticket at a time and does not work fast is out the door. You have to constantly glance ahead and find things that take a long time. When it is busy, the grills cool down, and things take even longer, so your timing is even more compromised. The stress and intensity is so extreme I cannot describe it. If a waitress calls back and wants some salsa or sour cream, it destroys your concentration, frustrates you and makes you angry. If something is sent back, it depresses you that you did not do a good job, plus repairing the order messes up your sequence. Some things like eggs benedict have four or more steps to them and making salads takes you from the grill and you sometimes lose your place. Mel's Diner with the crabby cook is a cliche because it is true. If you do a really good job and the food is great, the waitress gets a good tip for setting it on the table and they very seldom share. They go home looking just as good as they came in and the cook goes home exhausted, greasy and bedraggled.
I usually leave the waitress a small tip and walk back and give a healthy one to the cook - even when the food was not that good - cause I've been there.

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The Dole

If I were queen of the world, I would put our most valuable people on the dole. Doctors, nurses, scientists, artists, writers, statesmen, - anyone who met rather stringent standards of excellence would be put on a very, very generous flat salary. They could just do their work without worrying about how to live, filling out forms to justify themselves, falling into a mean trap of medicare fraud, publishing bad research, or taking lobbyist lagniappe (just learned this word from NYTimes Ethicist Column).

Too many lazy people are working the system, although there are fewer places to find work every day.

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Sunday, June 05, 2005

Charity

This is from Jeanne D'Arc of Body and Soul :
You've beautifully and righteously vented on something that's bothered me most of my life -- the distinct lack of charity in a lot of "charity." I've never sorted toy donations, but I've done canned food drives, and clothing donations, and at some point I always end up mumbling to myself, "Exactly when did you people come to the conclusion that the poor aren't human?" The one donation to clothing drives that sends me round the bend is torn underwear. What kind of people think the poor are so desperate they'd wear someone else's old underwear? And are they sitting at home basking in the warm glow of their generosity? Sorry -- charity drives bring out my most uncharitable side. And bad memories as well.I have to admit, this is partly a personal issue. I went through a period as kid when Christmas was ruined every year by the guy from the church (not our church, some other damn church) pulling up in a station wagon loaded with food boxes. My mother was too polite to turn him away.It started when I was eleven -- just old enough to begin reading adult body language. A man with a crew cut, wearing a bright red cardigan, carried a cardboard box into the apartment and set it on the kitchen table. My mother was in her robe, her hair in curlers, getting ready for work. She worked night shift. I could tell that she was in hurry and embarrassed to be seen like that, and that she wanted the man out of the apartment fast. But he hung around, asking stupid questions and glancing at everything out of the corner of his eye. I remember realizing that my mother was trying to maneuver to get him with his back to the couch, because the couch had a spring sticking out. She had covered it with a towel, but you could still see the outline of the spring, and the towel looked ratty anyway. Every poor person fixates on one thing that makes them feel especially poor, an objective correlative of poverty, and for my mother it was that sofa. She could buy her clothes at Goodwill and go without food at least once a week, she could handle being awakened by phone calls about my father's gambling debts, but somehow she felt less poor if she thought no one saw the sofa. My mother was from Ireland. I once read that during the potato famine, Irish peasants who realized they were about to die would find a corner of the houses that couldn't be seen from the window, and huddle there to wait for the end, humiliated by their starvation. And, strangely, I smiled when I read that sad detail, because it reminded me of my mother. You're all right as long as no one sees.The man in the red cardigan just didn't get it. He hung around chatting, as if he were waiting for something. And eventually my mother figured out what he wanted and gave it to him. She asked if he had a lot more deliveries to make. I think she was just trying to remind him to get going, but that question turned out to be exactly what he wanted. He started rambling on and on about how many people his church helped at this time of year and how proud he was of all those fine people, and how good it made him feel to help. My mother kept looking at the door. And then he said that what he had in the car was for the people in our building, and he looked at a piece of paper and told my mother which other apartments he was spreading his Christmas cheer to.Kids who grow up in violent homes learn to pick up the exact moment an adult becomes angry -- before they do anything. When the man named the other charity cases in the building, I could see a change in my mother's expression that I'm sure the man couldn't see. She kept smiling, but anger was building under the surface, made worse by the fact that she had to keep smiling and playing the part of the grateful poor lady. The anger came out after the man left. My mother screamed and cried that he was going to tell half the people in the building that she couldn't even feed her kid. And all the time she was jerking the curlers out of her hair, because priorities are priorities, and she was late for work. And anyway, she screamed, headed for the kitchen, that was a lie. A no-good lie. We always have food, except the day before payday, and we don't need their garbage. She took cans out of the box -- some dented, some labelless, others just useless. Beets, lard, hollandaise sauce. I remember looking at that little yellow can and wondering what it was. Did it come from Holland, and was it made of daisies? My mother picked up the small frozen turkey. "I don't want this garbage," she screamed -- and she threw the turkey to the floor, and stormed out of the kitchen. She'd thrown it so hard, it dented the linoleum.She left for work, and I put the canned charity away. There was one large box of kiddie cereal. The bottom of the box had gotten damp, and when I picked it up, it split open, and all the cereal scattered across the floor. Whenever I hear about welfare taking away people's dignity, I always remember crawling around on the kitchen floor, trying to pick up the sugary colored rings of private charity.I thought of the man who sucked the air out of Christmas a few days ago, as I was reading an article about President Bush urging Americans to give more to the needy. I'd second the idea, of course. It certainly wasn't his plea for time and money that bothered me. It was a president being photographed putting canned peaches and spinach in a bag, without thinking about the fact that there are more important and effective things he could do to help the needy. But of course that assumes that the point is to help those in need, and not to provide photo-ops for presidents, and chances for the middle class to feel good about themselves while getting rid of their garbage.

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My Cult Life

I had a little experience with cult life when I joined a sorority in college. I don't know how I lost my head -"rush" is like cult "love bombing" and I succumbed. I certainly didn't have the money to waste. I remember one meeting when we were told to always wear our pins so that other sisters could recognize us when we would meet at the airport..... I piped up "or the bus depot" but nobody but me thought that was funny. The one thing I am glad I never missed was when our president (now a leading educator) announced she had won a national Delta Zeta competition when we had nominated another girl as our chapter entry. The girls all cheered....what a bunch of sheeple. The good thing that came of it was that I met Linda Berger Schadewald who made me a poster with part of this Sunday's sermon on it. She also drew my honey label. I guess, all in all, I made friends with several girls, but I probably would have made more interesting friends at the dorm.

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Sunday Sermon by D.H. Lawrence

As we live, we are transmitters of life.
And when we fail to transmit life, life fails to flow through us.
That is part of the mystery of sex, it is a flow onwards.
Sexless people transmit nothing.
And if, as we work, we can transmit life into our work,
life, still more life, rushes into us to compensate, to be ready
and we ripple with life through the days.
Even if it is a woman making an apple dumpling, or a man a stool,
if life goes into the pudding, good is the pudding
good is the stool,
content is the woman, with fresh life rippling in to her,
content is the man.
Give, and it shall be given unto you
is still the truth about life.
But giving life is not so easy.
It doesn't mean handing it out to some mean fool, or letting the living dead eat you up.
It means kindling the life-quality where it was not,
even if it's only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

My Dad

My dad is old and will not be around very much longer. Before he dies, I want to thank him for passing on his ways. He has always been a peace-loving man, and finds few fights worth the stress. Instead dad will smile and agree and then do things his own way - my brothers inherited that.

In his total life, Dad is most proud of having been a soldier. He wanted to volunteer in World War II but his brother who was already serving advised against it - saying "You won't win this one by yourself." Some time later dad was drafted and went to the army as a tank mechanic. His friendships formed in the service were life-long and his most emotional experience was participating in the liberation of a concentration camp. He could not talk about his war experiences without mentioning it and weeping.

All his life, he has been an early riser so much so that during basic training, he would be dressed and waiting when they would finally blow reveille. Because he is up at 3 or 4 o'clock, he went to bed so early that he has never seen a Seinfeld or Home Improvement episode. Relatives who went on vacations with him never did it more than once because he believed in not only an early start but also in not stopping for anything but gas. I think a great deal of credit for the durability of my parents marriage is due to the fact that Dad is a morning person and Mom is up late at night and they actually don't spend many hours together.

Although he did not read much, Dad had an innate intelligence and was incredibly handy and could fix most things. When we were young, he was always trading old used cars for other old used cars, so I can only assume he liked variety. I know Dad is very smart because he is so witty and they always go together. He liked to stop for a beer when he was young and people usually had a good time around him.

Dad always had a generous nature. As children, we loved when he got groceries because he always bought some candy, while Mom was always trying to save money. When I went into bees, he bought me a forklift, even though I thought appropriate technology for my size was a cheaper device. Sometimes he would send a card and you always could tell it was not picked out casually. When I was so stressed trying to get all my queen raising work done that I wasn't even eating, Dad drove down from North Dakota to Texas with 6 packages of bacon and 4 dozen eggs. He washed dishes but he didn't know to use soap. I never had the heart to tell him that I already had more than I could handle when he built me more little mating units. My dad will always be my hero.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Spearfish Passion Play

Joseph Meyer portrayed Christ's death for years and I can only imagine he made a good living at it. Now anyone that exploits pain for profit pisses me off. Anyway, this lady that worked at the newspaper in Spearfish told me that the townspeople are a little sick of Meyer, who always plays Christ. One day the local drunk showed up for his crowd scene and rather than chanting "Crucify Him, Crucify Him", he yelled loudly, "Kill the Son Of A Bitch". I got to giggling for the rest of the day and into the night about the story. I later told it to another lady and you would have thought I was crucifying Christ myself - she thought it was the most sacrilegious thing she had ever heard. I tried to explain that the town hated the actor, but she wouldn't talk to me. Sheesh. I think all torture sucks but I love a story where a phony gets put in their place.

I think God may even be sick of everyone making money off that story - After all Mel Gibson's production got struck by lightening...Twice.

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Interesting words

Now why does "adore" conjure up pictures of prostrating and praying, but "adorable" is used to describe kittens, puppies, teddy bears and babies.